


Emotions Make Me Sick

by thepinupchemist



Series: Retail Hell with the Young Avengers [8]
Category: Young Avengers, Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Retail, Billy and Tommy are Geminis, Bipolar Disorder, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Hypomania, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, Loss of Parent(s), Love Confessions, M/M, Medication, Mental Health Issues, Pillow & Blanket Forts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 20:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20441705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepinupchemist/pseuds/thepinupchemist
Summary: Billy has Bipolar II, and most of the time he has it under control. But sometimes, even though he wishes he could, he just can't control it all.In which Billy has a hypomanic episode, Teddy is himself, and two boys are falling in love.





	Emotions Make Me Sick

**Author's Note:**

> As you may have gathered from the tags, this one does have some warnings to heed, so I'll be putting those in the end notes!

**Soundtrack: Crutch – The Frights**

_ **Emotions Make Me Sick** _

**[9:43 AM] Teddy: **hey are you okay ???

**[9:44 AM] Teddy: **stopped by ht to give you a coffee but

**[9:44 AM] Teddy: **the guy with the arm said you called out sick

Billy thumbed nervously out of the conversation without answering and pulled up a game of Sudoku in its place. He only typed in three numbers before his brain short-circuited again. He closed the game window. Closed his eyes.

_Iwanttogotosleep. Iwanttogotosleep. Iwanttogotosleep._

The chant did nothing to combat his brain, permanently online – but, like, lagging. He couldn’t stop moving, but he couldn’t move fast enough, and fuck, the medication was supposed to fucking help with this. He wasn’t supposed to be brain-fast-brain-lagging anymore.

Billy didn’t know if he could let Teddy see him like this. No one wanted to see anybody like this.

_You’re fucking crazy. Why can’t you be normal? _

But Teddy saw the scars. He knew about the medications. They’d been boyfriends for months now. They had sex! A lot! That was a thing they did!

Billy’s heart beat faster in his chest and sweat beaded on his forehead. Awesome. Great. Fucking fantastic.

Hypomania: now with a side of panic!

He forced himself off of his bed. His brain wouldn’t stop the thing, the lagging thing, like his framerate dropped as he tried to cut through terrain in jittering, stilted movements. This sucked. This sucked so much. He hadn’t slept for twenty-six hours and counting. Hadn’t touched coffee that morning, because he was afraid he might never be able to fall asleep again, or at least afraid that hypomania would give way into something closer to mania-mania, which he experienced only once, and he knew he should have been terrified even if the high of it felt great for those four days.

With shaking hands, Billy dumped a Xanax into his palm. He didn’t like taking these all the time. He rationed them out. But if he was sweating and shaking and freaking out –

Yeah. Better take the pill. He knocked it back. Paced a little. Picked his phone back up. Teddy hadn’t texted anything else. That made sense, right? Maybe he thought Billy was asleep. Sick people slept a lot.

And sometimes they didn’t sleep at all.

The thing was.

Was that he hadn’t exactly disclosed to Teddy everything about his busted brain. The scars told an obvious story – Teddy saw that Billy tried to kill himself, and sometimes he ran his thumbs over the scars, but he didn’t ask. He knew that Billy took meds, but he didn’t ask about those, either. Billy supposed Teddy could have googled them if he felt like it.

Xanax was obvious.

Lamictal – the little orange bottle read _lamotrigine – _Google would rat him out in a second. Antiepilectic to some, but being that Billy did not have epilepsy, that narrowed it down to the mood-stabilizer it was. And it worked! It did! Most of the time! Just not now!

Seroquel – the little orange bottle read _quetiapine fumarate – _was even more damning than the fucking lamictal. _Antipsychotic. _That was a scary name. But it wasn’t scary to take? Billy took it at night and it knocked him out better than he’d ever accomplished before. It worked! Most of the time! Just not now!

And Teddy was sweet about all of it, even if he didn’t know that Billy was crazy and his brain was broken and he couldn’t keep it together. Teddy patiently watched Billy take his meds one time, only one time, and the next time that Billy stayed over, Teddy gave him his meds – “This one you split in half, right? And then the other one’s the whole thing.”

“Yeah,” Billy had said, stunned.

“And then a whole lamotri – lamo –”

“Lamictal’s easier to say.”

“Lamictal. A whole lamictal in the morning, too,” Teddy recited. “And Xanax for panic attacks? Did I get those right?”

He’d gotten them exactly right.

Maybe Billy didn’t have to worry. Maybe he was worrying for no reason. He shoved a hand back through his hair and gripped tight, tugging up a little. The pain in his scalp was fresh, grounding – no. Fuck. He let go.

Billy opened his texts with Teddy again. Had it really been almost an hour since Teddy texted? How was time so fast and so slow all at once? It didn’t even make sense.

**[10:31 AM] Billy: **okay so,,,,,,,

**[10:32 AM] Billy: **you know im fucked up so here goes nothing

**[10:33 AM] Billy: **tried to kill myself earlier this year blah blah blah tragic backstory

**[10:33 AM] Billy: **they put me on a 72 hr old and shit it was very Dramatic

**[10:34 AM] Billy: **i think tommy’s still mad at me about it actually but getting him to talk about shit is like explaining 2019 minimum wage to a baby boomer so basically impossible is what im saying

**[10:34 AM] Billy: **anyway

**[10:34 AM] Billy: **im bipolar

**[10:35 AM] Billy: **its not like how people think it is okay

**[10:35 AM] Billy: **anyway im hypomanic rn

**[10:35 AM] Billy: **havent slept in like. 27 hrs or some shit

**[10:35 AM] Billy: **whenever i crash its gonna be real real ugly

**[10:36 AM] Billy: **so i called out bc i cant crash at work

That was that, then. Either Teddy was cool with it or he’d think Billy was exactly as crazy as he was.

_You will not call yourself crazy in this home, William Kaplan, _Mom would say. Well, Mom wasn’t here. Mom was at work. So Billy could call himself crazy as much as he damn well pleased, thank you very much.

Billy sat on the edge of the mattress. He felt less jittery and more soupy, which was probably the Xanax kicking in. He stared at his phone in his hands, but didn’t do anything with it for a long time.

If Teddy tried to bring him coffee, Teddy was at work. Teddy wouldn’t have time to answer his texts. But the agony of waiting around sucked so hard anyway. He didn’t know how long he sat on the edge of his bed, tapping his foot, pulling up Twitter to refresh it to the same three people talking about comics. He might have been interested if he could focus.

His phone lit up in his hand.

**[11:04 AM] Teddy: **shit i’m sorry i didn’t respond i was working

**[11:05 AM] Teddy: **can i come over there? what do you need?

**[11:05 AM] Billy: **dont you have to finish ur shift ??

**[11:05 AM] Teddy: **not necessarily. you’re kinda important to me & i wanna help

What. What the fuck. Who was this guy. Shit, Billy liked him so much. He might even love him, but a couple months into a relationship seemed like a really short time to decide you love somebody.

**[11:06 AM] Billy: **dont you have rent to pay u maniac

**[11:06 AM] Teddy: **i have emergency money just in case

**[11:07 AM] Teddy: **this qualifies as just in case

**[11:07 AM] Teddy: **so can i come over

**[11:07 AM] Billy: **you dont own a car

**[11:09 AM] Teddy: **america says i can use hers as long as i pick her up i just asked

**[11:09 AM] Billy: **what did you tell her???

**[11:10 AM] Teddy: **that you’re not feeling well and i wanna be with you

**[11:11 AM] Teddy: **you know, the truth

**[11:11 AM] Billy: **are you being snarky rn

**[11:12 AM] Teddy: **a little

**[11:12 AM] Billy: **okay

**[11:13 AM] Billy: **but i look like a fucking goblin rn youve been warned

**[11:13 AM] Teddy: **babe

**[11:13 AM] Teddy: **you always look like a goblin

**[11:13 AM] Billy: **HEY

**[11:14 AM] Teddy: **a sexy, sexy goblin

**[11:14 AM] Teddy: **see you soon

Against all odds, Billy smiled at his phone. He didn’t even care that he was swimming in a t-shirt from AIDS Walk 2017, when they got his size wrong and Tommy’s size right. He didn’t care that his Wonder Woman pajamas had a coffee stain on the thigh. He didn’t care that he hadn’t brushed his hair in whatever amount of time, and he didn’t care that he wasn’t wearing makeup.

When Teddy knocked on the door, Billy hung back a little, uncertain. Without hesitation, Teddy stepped inside. He cupped Billy’s face, searching his eyes, and said, “I googled hypomania and I have no idea what to do to help.”

A startled laugh crackled out of Billy’s chest, low and rough. He answered, “There isn’t really – it’s like, I’m already doing everything I can to stop it? So. I’m basically waiting until I can sleep again and I have no idea when that is but I took a Xanax because I was freaking out about telling you everything because people are so _weird_ about mental illness because they can’t _see_ it –”

“Whoa, whoa,” Teddy hushed him. He tucked Billy’s tangled hair behind his ear and brushed a kiss to his probably-greasy forehead. “What if we went back to my place? We can – I dunno, build a pillow fort or something. And we’ll watch a movie or whatever you need to do, and you can crash with me. ‘Cause, I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but when your brothers get home from school it’s gonna be loud and it’s gonna mess you up worse. Right?”

“That’s – yeah. You’re right.”

“So what do you think?”

Billy swayed forward and buried his face into Teddy’s neck. He smelled like one of the colognes from his work – this was was called _Break Free_, Billy was pretty sure. Teddy wrapped his big arms around him, and swallowed Billy with his bulk. Teddy blocked out some of the noise, not only of the creaks of the house and the buzzes of appliances, but the stream of brain noise flickering in Billy’s head and ears.

Billy nodded into Teddy’s pecs.

He really liked Teddy’s pecs.

“Okay,” he agreed.

**

Teddy was the best boyfriend in the history of the universe.

When they got to his apartment, Teddy bundled Billy up in some of his giant muscled strong man pajamas instead of the ones that Billy sweated through, and the fabric smelled like him. The scent of Teddy surrounding him made his head marginally less swimmy. Billy leveled out enough to sort of help with building a pillow fort in the living room: an actual engineering feat of the living room furniture, kitchen chairs, sheets, and America’s hair clips.

(“Is she okay with you using those?” Billy asked.

Teddy kissed his cheek and answered, “I already texted her to ask. She said not to break them or she’ll break our faces.”)

They lined the structure with couch cushions and smuggled in Teddy’s pillows and blankets. The result was something like a low-roofed tent, large enough to move within freely, but cozy enough to block out the noise of the outside world. Billy could cry. He almost did when Teddy brought his laptop inside, kissed him, and asked if Billy wanted to eat.

“Don’t know,” Billy said, fidgeting with the drawstring of Teddy’s giant Hufflepuff pajama bottoms. “It might just make me feel weirder.”

“Let me know if you change your mind,” Teddy said.

They settled in. Teddy propped his neck and back up with pillows, and Billy curled into him, his ear to Teddy’s chest, where the outline of one of his nipple rings poked Billy in the cheek, but his heart beat strong and steady.

“This fort is so fucking elaborate,” mumbled Billy. “I get the feeling you’ve made these before.”

Teddy stilled, his hand pausing over his laptop keyboard as he pulled up Netflix. He let out a long, slow breath, and said, “I used to make them with my mom.”

Ah. That explained the ingenuity of the hair clips.

Billy floundered. He wasn’t sure he wanted to poke this particular bear, but…

“She sounds like she was a really cool mom.”

“She was the _best_ mom,” Teddy said, his voice thick with emotion. For a moment, Billy thought that Teddy was going to leave it there, but then he swallowed and went on, “She worked a lot, like all the time, so when she didn’t have to, we...made it special. We built these forts – just like this – and it was the only time I was allowed to eat in the living room, you know? When I was little, I was really into Hercules. I watched it over and over and over and my mom always let me watch it when we were in our forts and in retrospect that must have been so fucking annoying, but she let me anyway.”

“Man, I haven’t seen Hercules since I was a kid,” Billy said. “We should watch it.”

Teddy blinked down at him, and Billy stared up. Now Teddy looked like he might cry, and Billy couldn’t stand it, because Teddy was so good and thoughtful and deserved everything in the world. Billy pushed himself up on his elbows to draw Teddy into a kiss: a lazy, sweet one, tongues sliding together with slow and careful precision.

When Billy drew back, Teddy kissed the top of his head again. He pulled Hercules up on his laptop, and Billy could see that he’d watched it recently enough that it saved his watch progress someplace in the end credits.

This was important. Billy’s brain and body were still out of sync, but even so, he knew this was so much more than a standard boyfriendly gesture. He gripped Teddy’s tank top in his fist and cuddled as close up under Teddy’s arm as he could as the movie started. Teddy stroked his hand over Billy’s arm absently.

“Hey,” Teddy said as the movie started, “what do you wanna do for your birthday? June’s coming up quick.”

Billy hummed. “Honestly? Every year it’s always about me, and I’m trying to like, be conscious of that, and how far in my own bullshit I get – I mean, that’s not how my therapist phrased it, but that’s the gist. So like. This year, I was thinking maybe we could do a surprise thing for Tommy. I ran it by Kate and she’s on board. He’s gross and likes box cake so I thought maybe we could make one of those and then I’ll have an ice cream cake for people that like cake that doesn’t suck. He’s really jumpy about things being for him so we have to be, y’know, sneaky about it? So maybe we can pretend it’s a surprise party for both of us but it’s actually lowkey for him. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I just really like you,” Teddy told him. “I like you so much.”

Billy snorted. “Good. It’d be awkward if you didn’t.”

By the end of the movie, Billy’s eyelids weighed heavily. He didn’t protest when Teddy switched gears to Dog Cops and let himself float in that space in between sleep and consciousness. With the warmth of Teddy against him, the dim light of the pillow fort, and the familiar sounds of the Dog Cops theme playing, he didn’t feel quite as misaligned, like maybe his brain was settling back into his body.

Billy drifted off. It wasn’t a full sleep, but it was enough. He didn’t know how much time passed before he felt Teddy’s chapped lips on the tip of his nose and a gentle, “Babe, I gotta go pick up America, but I promise I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Mmph.”

“Text me if you need anything.”

“’Kay. Teddy?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I love you.”

And Billy fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Billy deals with a hypomanic episode, resulting in insomnia. He outright references his suicide attempt from earlier in the year, although there are no descriptions of it, other than his scars. There's discussion of his medications, including Xanax. Teddy talks a little more about losing his mom. 
> 
> Thank you to the YA Discord for helping me with gaming terms, you're the realest
> 
> As some of you may have surmised, Bucky Barnes is the store manager of Billy's Hot Topic
> 
> Follow me on Twitter @thepinupchemist! I talk comics & MCU, shitpost about the Young Avengers, and probably post too many selfies. If you'd like, you can retweet this fic [here!](https://twitter.com/thepinupchemist/status/1167166659695501312)
> 
> Love, your bipolar author


End file.
